Thinking Selfish
by Nutmeg Lee
Summary: Ryan's studying abroad for the summer and having the time of his life; however, being in a long-distant relationship is proving to be more difficult than he anticipated. Post-HSM3. Ryelsi. Fluffy oneshot.


_I had a really good time writing this one! When I wrote this, I had been abroad myself from my Special Person for two months, so that's where the inspiration came from. The song that's in here helped a little, too, hehe._

 _I don't own High School Musical or the song in this story._

* * *

Three weeks. He was lying in bed at an ungodly hour, unable to fall asleep, and all he could think about was the fact that it had only been three weeks; but Ryan Evans was sure he'd never been this miserable in his entire life. He wasn't even halfway through his summer study abroad program in France and the dancer already thought he was going to lose his mind from being away from his girlfriend. He looked at the small desk calendar on his bedside table. Every date that was crossed out meant he was one day closer to being with Kelsi Nielsen again. The thought of his lovely composer of a girlfriend brought an instant smile to his face. He remembered how hard it was to leave her at the airport when she came with him to say goodbye. They knew it would only be two months and it was an incredible opportunity for him, but it didn't stop the fact that they were going to be separated for an extended period of time.

Ryan had even considered not going so he could spend the summer with her in New York. At the beginning of the spring semester, the two both agreed that this would be their first summer not going back to Albuquerque. Instead, they had talked about how much fun they would have just exploring the giant city they now called their home, with maybe a week or two spent in the New Mexico sun. A couple months into the semester, though, one of Ryan's professors approached him about an opportunity to study ballet all across France for the summer, as well as the scholarships the school was offering to help pay for expenses. His eyes immediately lit up. It was the chance of a lifetime and he knew he couldn't say no. However, that didn't stop him from almost doing so anyway. When he told Kelsi about how he was going to turn down the offer, she looked at him as though he grew a second head. They were lying on his full size bed in his modest one-bedroom apartment (Kelsi was still living in the dorms, but tended to spend almost all of her nights at his place). "You can't be serious," he remembered her saying as she moved to rest on her elbow and face him fully. "You're going to say no to study dancing in France because..?"

Ryan glanced at her shyle and shrugged . "I'd rather be with you this summer," he confessed quietly. Kelsi's eyes softened. How could she be upset at an answer like that? She sighed and smiled gently at him.

"That's very sweet," she replied, using the arm she wasn't resting on to reach and take his hand in hers. "But we'll have plenty of summers to be together. This is only our sophomore year! How many summers will you be able to spend in Paris studying ballet?"

It was an obvious answer, of course. He told her he'd email his professor first thing in the morning about the program, and they spent the rest of the night discussing where in France he would be studying aside from Paris.

It was then when Ryan realized how supportive Kelsi was of him. He always knew she was, of course, but in that moment, her support seemed to shine. He fell more in love with her that night.

And now here he was, lying on his small, twin size bed, flipping through the pictures he had of her on his phone, pausing on one that she had taken while his arms were wrapped around her from behind, his eyes closed as he kissed her cheek, a smile creeping through. The grin on her face was pure joy. He sighed and put his phone away. He really did miss her. He rolled over onto the other side of his bed, groaning as every part of his body seemed to protest his small movement. Ryan loved dancing more than anything (aside from Kelsi, of course), but even he couldn't deny the utter pain he was feeling in every joint, muscle, and bone. He had never been worked like this before in all the years he's been a performer. This, studying and doing workshops from Paris to Cannes to Lyon, was one of the most demanding things he'd ever done, and he wouldn't take back his decision to attend for all the hats in the world. He would have enjoyed it more had Kelsi been there with him, but that wasn't quite a possibility.

When he finally made it to the other side of his bed, he saw something reflecting light in the corner of his eye. Moving his eyes to the glare, Ryan saw it was his guitar that he had brought with him. Unbeknownst to most of the Wildcats (aside from Sharpay and Kelsi), he loved playing stringed instrument. He even occasionally wrote his own songs, but those rarely if ever saw the light of day. No, he preferred to keep those locked up and stored away from the public. The thought of song-writing naturally made him think of Kelsi which brought on another ache in his heart. _God, I miss her so much_ , he thought. He got up carefully and reached for his guitar, sitting down on his bed. No, he didn't write songs often, but writing one now made him feel that much closer to the small brunette who was waiting for his return.

He began playing muffled, staccato chords so he wouldn't wake anyone who was sleeping in the other rooms down the hall. With every strum, though, every muscle in Ryan's arms screamed in protest. He quietly groaned. "Am I really that broken that I can't even play the guitar?" he grumbled bitterly. He couldn't keep away the thought that if Kelsi were there with him, she'd probably offer to give him a massage. Or he'd ask her and she'd say yes. Was it a selfish thought? Possibly. But Ryan wanted to be selfish. He was hurting and missing his girlfriend, he was allowed this moment of whining about his needs.

He ignored his body's protests and continued playing, humming an unknown melody along with his muffled chords.

" _Baby, baby, I'm broken, broken, broken, broken in two. Baby, baby, I'm broken, broken. I'm broken for you_."

Ryan smiled, satisfied with himself. The words didn't create the most inspiring chorus, and it wasn't nearly as good as what Kelsi wrote, but it was his and he had come up with it. The words seemed to flow right out of him as he continued playing into the night until he was finally done.

Proud of himself, Ryan looked at his phone for the time. 3:47. Exhaustion took over his entire mind and body as he read the numbers. He set aside his notebook and pencil on his bedside table and placed his guitar back where he had first picked it up before collapsing on his back. Closing his eyes, Ryan smiled tiredly as he imagined Kelsi wrapped in his arms right next to him, hoping that would be all he dreamed about that night.

* * *

Kelsi liked to think she was not a co-dependent person. Sure, she was a die-hard romantic and loved anything having to do with love, but she always thought that she was the independent type who didn't need someone to make her happy. She almost cursed Ryan Evans for proving her wrong. Three weeks was not bad compared to how long other couples have to spend apart. Two months wasn't bad, either, but she couldn't help but feel a pang of longing whenever she looked at the empty space next to her on Ryan's bed.

Ryan insisted that she just stay at his place over the summer instead of paying for a summer dorm room. When arguing that she couldn't pay to sublet his apartment even with her financial aid, he rolled his eyes and smiled at her saying, "You're house sitting my apartment for two months, the least I can do is let you live there for free." Not that she wasn't grateful, far from it. She just didn't like the idea of taking advantage of Ryan's wealth, no matter how small the favor is. She tended to ignore the fact that she basically lived in his apartment the entirety of their sophomore year at Juilliard with some of her belongings becoming permanent fixtures there as well. She briefly wondered if Ryan had ever considered her actually moving in with him, then shook her head almost as soon as the thought entered her mind. That was a conversation for when he was back in the states. She couldn't stop the bubbling excitement she felt at the thought of her and Ryan officially living together, though. _After school_ , she thought to herself. _Then we can really start the next chapter of our lives together_.

She rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling. They'd talked about doing long distance before. With both of them going into the entertainment industry, it seemed inevitable that they would have to work a long distant relationship at some point. Kelsi just thought that would be after they graduated from the conservatory they loved so much. Letting out a frustrated groan, she got up from the bed and walked out into the living area. She just wanted him back with her. Or she wanted to be with him in France. Whichever one came faster. At that thought, Kelsi then wondered how much a plane ticket to Paris would cost. Even if she didn't have enough money, she was sure Sharpay or even Vance and Derby wouldn't mind helping pay for the rest of the tickets if she asked. Was this a selfish thought? Possibly. After all, Kelsi hated it when the prominent Evans family wasted their money on her ("You're not a waste, you're family," they would tell her on multiple occasions). But with Ryan gone, she couldn't help but think selfishly. She wanted to be with him and that was all.

She flopped onto the couch and picked up her laptop that was sitting on the coffee table. As she logged on and opened her browser, almost instantly a notification popped up indicating she had an unread IM. Her head tilted slightly as she wondered who it was from. Clicking on the message, she smiled as she saw it was from Ryan. Her confusion came back, though, when all he had sent her was a YouTube link. Curious, she clicked on the link, and was surprised to see the thumbnail was of Ryan with his guitar on his lap. The title above the video read, "For Kelsi," and she felt herself grinning like an idiot. She wasted no more time and clicked play.

"Hey, baby!" Ryan smiled to the camera with a wave. Kelsi giggled and waved back and whispered her own hello to him. "I am missing you so, so, so incredibly much over here in France. I mean, I'm having an amazing time and learning so much, but I'd be that much better if you were here with me." Her smile softened at his words. It looked like they were both having the same thoughts. "Anyway, I'm recording and sending you this because I wrote this song, and I just want you to know how much I love and miss you, and that the next five weeks can't go by fast enough. I love you, Kelsi."

Kelsi's heart started beating a little bit faster as she realized he was going to play and sing one of his own compositions for her. Not only that, it was about her, as well. This would mark the second time Kelsi had ever heard one of Ryan's own songs, not counting the ones she had written with him. She grinned excitedly as he began to play. He started singing the chorus and Kelsi felt her heart flutter. It had been so long since she'd last heard him sing.

" _My aches and my pains, they last all day 'cause in my head I know you're so far away. I just need some relaxation 'cause I'm running 'round this whole damn nation_."

He swayed his head to the rhythm he set for himself, his body occasionally moving a little as well. Kelsi smiled at this. Even when he was sitting down with a guitar in his lap, his body felt the automatic need to dance and move around whenever any sort of music was playing around him.

" _Baby, I'm in need 'cause you are all that I wanna see_..."

As he repeated the chorus, his eyes glanced back to the camera. He smiled as he sung, and Kelsi already knew she was going to demand he serenade her with this the minute he landed back in New York. He winked as he sang the last few words of the chorus, and she couldn't help the blush that creeped onto her face. Ryan wasn't even really there and he still had that effect on her.

" _I lie awake at night. I'm oh so restless. I'm missing you so much it's got me thinking selfish. I close my eyes, and I finally fall asleep. And I try to dream of dreams with you right next to me_..."

He closed his eyes as a serene smile, and Kelsi smiled right on with him. They were definitely having the same thoughts. If she was missing him before, it was no comparison to how she felt now. He went into the chorus again and Kelsi couldn't help the piano accompaniment she heard in her head. She felt her fingers twitch, almost begging to try it out on a piano. He switched up the chord progression for what she assumed would be the bridge.

" _When I am home, I am pain free. When I hold you, you cure me_..."

He paused playing and singing for a beat and flashed a smile at her again.

" _Can't you see without you, baby, I'm broken._.."

He sang the chorus two more times before finishing the song on a ringing G chord. He stayed silent for a moment as he let the sound continue, and Kelsi felt tears brimming her eyes. She missed him so, so much it hurt.

Ryan let out a breath and chuckled nervously. He took off his hat for a moment to run his fingers through his hair as he smiled bashfully towards the camera. "Well, that's it," he smiled, placing the hat back on his head. "I am so broken without you, Kelsi. And that's not just because of all the dancing I've been doing for the past few weeks." She laughed lightly at this. "But I'll be back soon. I promise. Can't wait for the next time we get to talk. I love you so much," he said softly as he smiled lovingly at her.

"I love you, too," Kelsi said sweetly.

He nodded his head to himself as though he were satisfied with his recording, waved to the camera, and then the video ended.

Kelsi shook her head lightly, smile still gracing her face. Ryan Evans certainly was something. She brought her laptop over to her keyboard that she had set up in his apartment months ago and placed it gently on the small table next to her. She replayed Ryan's video, still replying to him as though he were right there with her, and began to add a small piano accompaniment here and there as he sung to her.

As she found herself replaying Ryan singing over and over again for the next five weeks, Kelsi decided that maybe long distance wasn't so bad, if these were the kind of things Ryan would send her. She looked around at the empty apartment and then to the piano part she had written that was sitting in front of her on the keyboard, and took it back. She'd much rather have Ryan Evans be with her there, making music together, side by side.

After all, it was all she wanted to do.

* * *

 _I hoped you enjoyed it! The song that Ryan writes is "Broken" by Lucas Grabeel. I highly recommend listening to it! It's so cute! It's off his EP called "Sunshine" from 2011, and all the other songs off there are also so good!_

 _Please read and review!_


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